my life is good. i can’t argue with that. i have my health, family and friends who care about me, plenty to eat, a nice home, my own car, a good education, a great job, and lots of amazing memories. so why do i still long for another lifestyle? why do i turn green with envy when i encounter those who are living my “dream”? i’ve spent the afternoon trying to reconcile the things i covet with emotional and spiritual contentment.
this is what set off the ripple in my peaceful little pond: my sister and her husband have good friends (another young married couple) that i enjoy and admire a great deal. they happened to be in town today, and i met the four of them for a brief lunch between appointments. as we sat there exchanging updates, they in their flip flops and i in my high heels, i felt the discontent set in. i listened to the stories of their adventures in marriage and ministry, reaching from central america to africa to canada and beyond, and i could tangibly feel the jealousy like a boulder in my stomach. i thought of how they get up each morning with a united purpose, a life led side by side. how they have the freedom to move from one project to the next, not tied geographically to jobs or comfort zones. they backpack, they marathon, they research together. while i acknowledge there are definite benefits to having familiarity and security to come home to every night, and certainly things about my life they might desire, i could not get past how strongly i felt the yearning for their exciting, meaningful, uncommon life.
as i walked away from the cafe in my professional attire to go “close a sale, ” i felt as insignificant and ridiculous as i have ever felt. i know i ‘ve worked through this already, this coming-to-terms with the career i have chosen at the moment, but it seems it doesn’t take much to open the door for resentment to creep in. i suppose i need to give this arrangement some time to fulfill its ultimate goal – providing the means to involve myself in the things i value – but i never said patience was one of my strong traits, and my daily activities are not where my heart is. my next birthday looming doesn’t help calm the sense of urgency, either.
i know that God’s plan for them is not the same as it is for lee and i, and i pray that He will quiet my silly stirrings so i can be satisfied with the abundance i have – and not just most the time.