i work from home, so my standard summer uniform is the most comfy shorts and tee i can find, no makeup, hair in a pony or messy bun. i tried the whole get-dolled-up-for-the-home-office thing… it lasted a day. so when i get out of the house, i like to get “dressed,” even if i’m just running to the grocery store.

thanks to a freshly organized closet and bits of creative inspiration on Pinterest, putting together an outfit has been more fun lately. but because it’s been so unbelievably hot this summer, i am drawn to the clothes that have the least contact with my skin: dresses.

this dress is a favorite because 1) it’s so lightweight, 2) it has ruffles 3) it has pockets. i am obsessed with dresses and skirts that have pockets. i never like to be without places to stash my chapstick and scribbled notes-to-self. even my favorite lounge pants and gym shorts have pockets.

confession: it’s not even my dress. my sweet sister loaned it to me for the summer because her baby-baking belly is currently too voluminous to fit into it. three cheers for sisters, unborn nieces, and borrowed threads!

the gold bangles were my mom‘s. they came from lebanon and she wore them with everything. the sound they make when they clang together reminds me of her. i got the necklace on a beach in mexico straight from the artist – it’s hand-blown glass and wire.

i love the look of heels (and my wee 5’2″ frame could use the boost), but i always wear flats. my feet are bare 90% of the time in summer, and they rebel if i try to make them trek all over town on a few extra inches. i usually wear the bag across my body so it doesn’t swing around or fall off my shoulder – but that kinda ruins an outfit pic, ya know? i carry this one almost daily. it came from kohl’s, i think, and it’s sustained some serious use quite beautifully.

well, that was only slightly terrifying. kudos to laura for getting us out of our comfort zones. be sure check out the other brave souls showing off their summer style and give them some love. self-portraits are hard!

earrings: ten thousand villages

ring: lia sophia

belt: um…high school?

tank: volcom

sandals: madden girl

what’s in your go-to summer wardrobe? do you have an outfit that always makes you feel great?

i hoped to find a friend to swap recipes and gardening tips with, but God’s plans were farther-reaching. her next email took my breath away.

Can I just tell you that I feel like I was led to you for a reason? A very close friend of mine lost her mom this afternoon to cancer. She’s a strong Christ follower. I don’t know what to say to her. I’ve been praying all evening that God would give me words to say that would comfort her. Is there such a thing? Thank you for replying and for your blog…

making a friend on craigslist was already unexpected, but this completely blindsided me. through my tears i hammered out my genuine first reaction, and sent it with a prayer. i’ve since had the opportunity to offer the same advice in two other situations, and thought maybe i should share it here in case it can be helpful to anyone else.

this was my response to her message.

i began praying for your friend and her family immediately after reading your email. my mother battled the disease for over three years, and while those years were trying, nothing can prepare you for the loss of someone you love so dearly. my family has been leaning heavily on each other, friends, and of course our faith in God’s goodness during the difficult months since her death, but something like this can certainly shake everything you thought was solid.

i don’t know if there are words that can truly bring comfort, but i do know even the insufficient words mean a lot. you may think that “i’m praying for you” and “you can call me anytime” and “just let me know if you need anything” sound lame and hollow compared to how much you want to comfort your friend, but when you’re on the other side, knowing you have the support and prayer of those who love you truly gives strength.

shy away from saying things like “she’s with Jesus now and not suffering anymore,” because as nice as that sounds, right now all your friend can feel is her own hurt, despite knowing her mother is singing in Glory (i assume her mother was a Believer as well). also, try to avoid “it will get better,” because true or not, at first all your friend can comprehend is what she’s feeling in the moment, and it’s excruciating. these sentiments will become more comforting as time passes.

what you can tell her is this: “i know it doesn’t seem to make sense, and it feels unfair and wrong. but remember that it doesn’t change God’s goodness. you can still praise Him for His blessings in your life, even while you feel frustrated and distant from a God who seems different to you now. don’t try to find an answer for all your questions right away. spend time with family and close friends, cry as much as you need to, embrace snippits of laughter and joy, and open your heart to God as much as you can. these things will eventually help you learn to live with purpose and peace in this new reality without your mom.”

another thing you can do is continue to be attentive to your friend’s emotions long after you think the rawness of the pain has worn off. in many ways, the loss won’t be real to her for several months or longer. reality sets in when the shock wears off, and by that time many supportive friends may have stopped thinking about the daily trials of grief. keep offering a listening ear even when it seems healing is well under way. my friends’ continued check-ins have been so helpful to me.

i hope this wasn’t more advice than you were bargaining for. i felt i needed to give you a real and honest answer, but it’s a hard question. i am touched to think that God may have caused our paths to cross so that i could help you minister to your friend through my experience. just the thought of God using these circumstances blesses and encourages me. also, if you think your friend would find it helpful to talk to someone who can relate, you can share my number with her.

i’m not saying that this is the best way to respond to anyone who is grieving; these are just my honest feelings toward the words that hugged my heart, made me cringe, or helped lift me out of the fog. (a note: please know that every gesture is received with gratitude, and i’m always touched when someone offers encouragement, whether it is what i want to hear or not. please do not be afraid to reach out to a hurting friend for fear of “saying the wrong thing.”)

i wish that this advice had no use, but we know that loss will always be prevalent and universal – until He restores all things. in the meantime, we get the privilege of watching God work through craigslist.

HONESTY. the best policy? absolutely. always pretty? don’t count on it.

which is why i tend to believe that the Ugly Truth falls into two diametric categories: required (when it concerns the person in the conversation) and taboo (when it doesn’t).

like when a genuine response to a casual inquiry is, quite simply, a downer. after all, what unsuspecting friendly acquaintance wants an awkward wah-waaaah reply to their greeting? best to put on a happy face.

i feel this way when it comes to writing, too. a while back i read this tweet:

“anyone can write about their darkness and be considered a brave writer for doing so. very few can write joy bravely.”

i disagree. wholeheartedly.

joyful topics flow freely from my keyboard and are a delight to share. the Love Of Laughter series is my favorite to write. (and re-read. and laugh at, of course.) dismal subjects, however, may evoke plenty of written response from me, but nothing that i would ever want to burden an unwitting audience with. it feels selfish to unleash gloom on someone’s otherwise pleasant day?

my darkness remains in the dark, published under a password that no one is privy to.

the sad thing is, while there is certainly joy amidst the sorrow—and those moments come without fail every day—the happy bits seem to get overshadowed when i get contemplative. when i write. and so my feed is silent.

it’s been six months today. so while i continue struggling to wrap my brain around the reality of it, i’m going to give the Ugly Truth a try. and i’m going to bring the joyful pieces to the front—on purpose—when i feel the need to empty words out of my head in writing. for the good of everyone involved.

*photo by haleigh russell

as a first step in fulfilling my promise to find purpose in the pain, i resolve to be intentional in a simple, meaningful way. I WILL SEND MORE CARDS.

everyone enjoys getting “real mail” that is not a bill or advertisement, and i’ve always appreciated those who take them time to pull out a pen and a stamp rather than tap out an electronic message. (i’m certainly guilty of the latter, and still believe a note shared online is better than none at all.)

during mom‘s entire tug-of-war with cancer, not a day went by for more than three years that the mail did not deliver multiple cards of encouragement, well-wishes, celebration (with the ups), & promises of fervent prayer (with the downs). the photo above was taken about 6 months in – when we first became cognizant of the magnitude of love-mail flowing in. now there are three baskets to accommodate all the cards.

the card baskets have resided in a prime location, for easy access to an uplifting message when needed. i know mom returned to them again and again in the hard moments. and in the days and weeks following her death, our family found solace, inspiration, and cheer in re-reading these cards.

i have always written a heartfelt card for special occasions (something my parents modeled), but i keep telling myself that i should write more cards for no reason other than to brighten a day, share an inspiring thought, or tell someone i appreciate them. good intentions no more; i’m going to do this on purpose!  i even have a tub of handmade cards mom and i created together…how appropriate. i’ve set a personal commitment of number/frequency to get me started (i’m better with solid goals), but hopefully this will become a habitual tendency toward written sentiment.

BONUS:

to kick off my pledge, i’d like to share one card that never got placed back in a basket, because we opened it it so often. i don’t usually go for the cards that play sounds when you open them, because….well, let’s just say it’s not my thing. but this one got me every time. it got to the point that even the anticipation of opening it would pull a slight crimp in the corner of my mouth. give it a listen, and just see if you don’t find yourself dancing a hoe-down like dad and i did every. single. time. (the card only played the first 30 seconds or so of the song.) “here we go!”

for the past few weeks i’ve been scanning a lot of my old photos into flickr, to preserve them before they fade or get lost, but also because browsing and organizing my pictures on the computer is a favorite pastime of mine. (life is just too good not to enjoy the high points again and again.) it seems incomprehensible now, but i don’t have to go back many years to arrive at my pre-digital, 35mm photos. (other than a photography course in college, my photographs processed from film are not the admirably artistic kind – we’re talking disposables and point-and shoot models here.)

in some aspects the photos are an annoyingly accurate record-keeper. there’s no denying the bad perm, buck teeth, or gigantic glasses – photoshop is no help there. but other times photographs are a misleading illusion. and i don’t just mean a funny camera angle. i’m talking about the posed moments created especially for the benefit of the camera – a shiny façade glossed on top of the truth. either way, the pictures always bring a jolting rush of emotion. as i viewed each print, i laughed, i gasped, i awwwed, i sighed, i cringed. i felt happy, sad, excited, irritated, nostalgic, nervous, and loved. i felt whatever i had been feeling at the moment the photo was snapped.

for the most part, i love that emotive response to re-living freeze frames from the past – i’ve led a full, charmed, ambrosial 30 years. but occasionally the scenes roused old insecurities that have lain dormant for a long time. i was instantly transformed from a confident, successful adult into a gawky junior high kid again. this phenomenon of being confronted with buried sentiments reminded me of a question recently posed by my friend laura: to reconnect or not to reconnect? she pondered the emotional effects of renewing lost social ties online, and posited that perhaps we’re all just a little too available. i think i’ve found a response to the question of why social media can make grown adults regress back to teenagers.

nearly a year and a half ago there was an article in the new york times titled brave new world of digital intimacy. (you may have to create a free account with NYT to view the entire piece.) in the article, social psychologists compared the advent of incessant online contact to living in a small town where everyone knows your business. now that we never lose touch with old friends, we are always trapped in that community we grew up in.

“Psychologists and sociologists spent years wondering how humanity would adjust to the anonymity of life in the city…a world of lonely people ripped from their social ties. We now have precisely the opposite problem.“

this “ambient awareness,” where every move is observed and shared, is reminiscent of high school. when you’re constantly aware of your friends’ activities, you tend to compare and measure every accomplishment, good fortune, and exciting event against your own. and with everyone trying mightily to paint a beautiful, exotic, auspicious existence to the online world, it’s easy to feel inadequate.

fortunately, my past teenage anxiety doesn’t stay long enough to even shake off the dust, and i welcome the vast majority of memories and reconnections. but it’s still strange to me how a stroll down memory lane can be as mood altering as the original experience.

when the mountains of holiday cards begin to fill the mailbox, i used to feel a particular sensation of excitement mixed with dread. while i’m eager to check the mail, tear into the envelopes, and display the colorful greetings, i always felt pressure to reciprocate with a standout card worthy of display in someone else’s home. even when the gesture is genuine, getting Christmas cards mailed can become just another deadline on the crowded holiday calendar. so to keep the season joyful, lee & i have agreed on some Christmas card ground rules:

1. We cannot spend more than X amount of time in creating, addressing, and sending the cards.
2. We cannot spend more than X amount of dollars on the cards and postage.
3. We will not send a standard family portrait with a generic yuletide phrase stamped on the bottom.

(this last rule is simply to keep our own boredom at bay and force some creativity into the mix….some of my favorite cards each year fit the description in #3 perfectly.)

the thing is, i really appreciate when other people go to obvious effort to deliver a unique, creative, or handmade card. i examine the details, read every word, and return to view each again and again. but when it comes to my own family greeting, i’m well aware of my artistic limitations and my tendency toward perfectionism, so boundaries are necessary to prevent an inordinant drain of time or money.

as a result, our card creating process has looked something like this: “do we have any good pics of us from the last year?” “no, of course not. either your eyes are closed or i look crazy or we both are having a REALLY bad hair day.” after which we do a quick photo shoot in the living room or try to creatively manipulate the silly photos we do have into a holiday message. a few online clicks later, we’ve designed something we can pick up locally within the hour and mail that day. and this has worked fairly well for everyone, i think.

the regulations above apply to our own cards, to keep sanity in the sending. if you want tips on what makes getting cards fun, check out the basic guidelines my friend laura has shared on what makes a quality holiday card. laura knows her cards. she designs fabulous screen printed any occassion cards, and risks her personal sanity each year to create exquisite handmade Christmas cards for the enjoyment of her friends and family.

this year i was away from home from the week before thanksgiving to the second week in december, and realized a bit too late that our Christmas cards would need to be prepared before my return if there was any hope of them arriving at their destinations in time. my only option was to fly solo with the design and use one of the few photos stored on the tiny netbook i had with me on the trip (sorry cooper, you didn’t make the cut this year). the result is below, so if you didn’t receive a card in the mail, consider yourself officially Christmas carded! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

but this year was especially memorable. lee and i invited my family to spend the holiday at our house, and what could have been a standard cookout event turned into something i hope will develop into a tradition. the highlights were a multi-event pseudo-sports olympics and a perfect 360° view to dozens of first-class fireworks shows from the roof of our house. and LOTS of yummy food, of course.

what i realized this weekend is that i really love to host. i always knew i valued hospitality, because i notice the small gestures of welcome when i’m visiting others, and i like to have special things prepared when i entertain guests, even if just for a half hour stop-by: out come the good dishes, tasty treats, inviting aromas, and special bathroom items.

but until this weekend i don’t think i was aware of the joy it brings me to invite family and friends into my home and make every detail enjoyable for them. and this is aside from the happiness i find simply in their company. while i’m a very at-ease guest myself (i don’t expect anything fancy, and i certainly don’t mind finding things on my own or cleaning up after myself), as a hostess i get excited about presenting everything with that little bit of extra flair.

i think my husband has the same inclination, judging by his cheerfulness in attending to the yard and hosing and scrubbing the porch and it’s furniture for this weekend. his enthusiasm in drawing up an elaborate plan for the backyard olympics and gathering the gaming equipment was a clear tip off as well.

the thing is, we’re homebodies, but that doesn’t mean we’re hermits. we’ll socialize until the last reveler has left the party, just so long as we’re not far from the comforts of our own home. some people stress about preparing for guests, we find it more relaxing know we don’t have to worry about forgetting to bring something or the weary drive home later.

so maybe my sense of “hospitality” is really just a side effect of my preoccupation with always having food close by, or my dislike of packing unless i am traveling more than a few hundred miles. or maybe i’ve grown up a little. (i do have a milestone birthday coming up in a few months…) but whatever the cause, i look forward to many more years of opening our home to anyone who would like to come on over.

we all recognize that tragedy strikes every day. in fact, just last week a tornadic storm took the lives of eight near my hometown. the complexities of how each of us deals with emotional injury and recovery is a testimony to the intricate maze that is human nature. whether there is sorrow, anger, disbelief, or numbness, we lean on faith and each other for comfort, demonstrating how we were created for relationships. we naturally seek intimate interaction in our lives. ironically our relationships cause us much pain when there is loss, but also are the very component that heals the hurt.

i am grateful that life and hope persevere. and that i am blessed (yes, thoroughly blessed) with many relationships that have, do, and will bring me much pain and joy.

…are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin.”

clark griswold may not get much right, but that quote rings true. as we wrap up the holiday weekend, here are some highlights from my own Christmas Vacation:

titu modeling her gifts

the boys struggling mightily to uncork the wine with a less-than-ideal bar tool

listening to dad reading the Christmas story from “da Jesus book” – the new testament translation in hawaii pidgin

“right then da one angel messenger guy from da boss up dere inside the sky come by dem. all aroun’ dem come one awesome light what shine from da boss. da angel guy say, ‘i come for to tell you guys good stuff from God ..’ “

mom torturing lee with the mini-masseuse because she can't see the control buttons through her tears of laughter

a four-legged santa

trying out mom and dad's tandem bike (and not falling or throwing each other off!)

gathering with lifelong friends

through all the crazy and fun antics that make up all family holidays, i hope each of you was able to find time to celebrate the baby born “inside one ting for hold da cow’s food” that came to “take you outta da bad kinda stuff you guys stay doin.”  may He be your Light in the coming year!

you can view more photos of the merry madness here and here.

after a twenty-seven day spotlight on genuine appreciation for all i have to be thankful for, inspired by laura’s gratitude journal, i am posting the complete journal i compiled by adding one entry each day this month. the list could never be comprehensive, even if i added to it each day for the rest of my life. maybe that is what i should do. so here is my list for november, not in order of importance, simply by what that particular day inspired.

i am thankful for:

Nov 1: friends – those who motivate, encourage, and support, console, and brighten my days

Nov 2: my man – a husband who is committed to making our lifelong story a masterpiece

Nov 3: siblings – who are also my best friends

Nov 4: health – my own, my family’s, and especially that of my remarkably strong mother

Nov 5: life – the gift of another year (happy birthday to me)

Nov 6: beauty – surrounding me every day

________________sarah_&_anna_______________________________front_porch_vista________________________________________okc_ballet

Nov 7: discovery – of information, of talents, of cultures, of deeper understanding

Nov 8: plentiful produce – seasonal treats for our culinary pleasure

Nov 9: opportunity – to succeed, to grow, to reach goals

Nov 10: laughter – from the subconscious chuckle at an amusing story to the guffaw sparked by a surprisingly hilarious moment

Nov 11: technology – and the connections it helps maintain regardless of geographical location

Nov 12: faith – the active presence of Christ in my life that makes living meaningful

Nov 13: hope – the active gestures of people doing good things together that makes living bearable

Nov 14: love - the active exchange in intimate relationships that makes living joyful

Nov 15: divine design – God’s awe-inspiring creativity evidenced in the complexity of the human senses, allowing us to experience life to the fullest

Nov 16: entertainment – displays of true artistry in music, theater, sport, film, dance, and writing

Nov 17: cozy activities – sweatpants, a cup of hot tea, a good book, and a comfy chair –> a recipe for bliss

Nov 18: my mother - who masterfully balances her many roles: parent, guide, teacher, confidant, counselor, consultant, cheerleader, friend

Nov 19: my titu – a blessing beyond words

Nov 20: doggie kisses – that remind you it’s not so bad after all

Nov 21: vacation – not as an escape, but as a time to relax, recharge, and reconnect

Nov 22: celebration – making special moments out of small victories and savoring the memories

Nov 23: movement – for expression, for stimulation, for exhilaration

Nov 24: abundance – the want for nothing, the satisfaction of all my worldly needs – food, shelter, clothing – far beyond mere sufficiency

Nov 25: sunny days – gracing the oklahoma plains even in november, making working outside cheerful

Nov 26: memories – to cherish, to learn from, to pass on

Nov 27: and finally (at least for this list), i am thankful for a father who instilled in me a value for family, faith, and integrity; a taste for knowledge, dreams, and humor; and a sense of confidence, security, and ambition. i am grateful for his example of humility, selflessness, and wisdom.  happy birthday, daddy!

“always be full of joy in the Lord…don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything…thank Him for all he has done. then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand…for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.” Philippians 4:4, 6, 7, 11

Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 2004 by Tyndale House Publishers.

so today i am thankful for friends who encourage me to think on the things that are positive and uplifting, when the world could be so discouraging if we allowed it. i’ll be keeping a list daily, and will post the log in it’s entirety on thanksgiving day. others on my blogroll have already responded to laura’s motivation, and you can browse their blogs for an extra dose of gratitude.  i invite anyone to join in this period of intentional appreciation of what we have, and too often take for granted. i promise you’ll be glad you did.

i experienced one of those vivid moments this weekend when my sister and i helped my mom host a brunch to celebrate the tremendous blessings our family has gained throughout her recent fight with breast cancer. we invited all the dear people who directly touched our lives in encouragement and support through this bumpy ride. some brought meals to my dad and titu (my grandmother), some sat with mom in the hospital, and others repeatedly drove her the up the long road to okc and back for daily radiation treatments when dad was snowed under with tax season. we actually had a list of more than eighty people who offered specific assistance in a significant way. we wanted to honor them, acknowledge their role in her recovery, and praise God for working through them. it was an amazing thing to have so many gathered together to celebrate life and health and friendship. the joy in the house on saturday was thick. it was our own little cancer wrap party, and how thankful we all were to be done.

and how fun it is to plan a party with my two best girlfriends! choosing invitations, making a shopping list, countless calls and emails, pooling serving pieces, arranging flowers, baking muffins, and preparing tea! i am more grateful for these times than ever after this past year and a half, and i am glad for the reminder to appreciate how fortunate we are. this splendid moment in time was courtesy of the one and only Healer and Creator of All Things Good, as all gorgeous stand-still scenes are. may you all enjoy many such moments in your own lives.

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“every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father who created all…” james 1:17

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you can see more photos of the brunch here