Category Archives: family
the second most important thing in my life
my new title
“so, what’s new with you?”
my answer to that casual question has been the same for the past seven weeks, and i imagine it will remain so for awhile. i’m no longer just a daughter, sister, wife.
“i’m an aunt!”
i don’t see my enthusiasm dying down any time soon. beautiful Caris Maryann is so adorably perfect i can hardly stand it!
my baby sister has a baby, now, and it’s still hard to believe we’re not kids anymore. but kel and jared are ready for parenthood. just look at the thrilled (and exhausted) new parents, eager to take their precious bundle home.
of course everyone is head-over-heels for her. grandpa dean, uncle b, great titu, and even willow can’t get enough.
even surrounded by all that adoration, it’s hard not to think that she deserves to be cuddled and loved by another pair of arms that will never hold her. admittedly, my niece’s arrival has been a sweet-and-sour emotional ride for me…..but as always, God’s grace allows the overwhelming joy not to be diminished in the slightest by the accompanying sorrow. i have no doubt caris will grow to cherish her titu‘s legacy as we do.
just so long as she knows who loves her most. 
judging by her cute onesie and emphatic fist pump, she does.
so that’s the most exciting thing to happen to me, lately. thanks for letting me share.
big sister
always laughing together
a Big Sister is supposed to play a certain role in the sibling dynamic. older brothers, too. but i’m a sister, so that’s what we’re talking about today.
role model. mentor. it’s practically become the definition of the title. i’m the one who guides and protects my little brother and sister when mom and dad can’t. that’s what the eldest sibling does.
- summer dayz
what i didn’t realize is that the job isn’t necessarily permanent. a Big Sister may be able to offer guidance based on her head start for awhile, but if she’s lucky, one day her younger siblings catch up.
they started to close in on my lead in our teens. in high school and college my brother and sister became two of my best friends as we shared more extracurricular activities, interests, inside jokes, and milestone moments.
- it’s too sunny in ihop
as we grew into adults, we tracked neck-and-neck as our relationship matured. i looked up to them as much as i hoped they had looked up to me growing up. i remember distinctly the first time i felt like bryan played the role of big brother to me, and have a vivid memory of the first time kelleigh gave me big sisterly advice.
while i absolutely love being able to go to my little bro and sis for support and wisdom, having my position in the lead overtaken was unsettling at first. i’m supposed to be the one out in front cutting through the wind resistance. now i’m drafting in their slipstream from time to time.
- lunch date
yesterday i was baby-things shopping with my expectant sister, and it was glaringly obvious that i’m quite unqualified to give any experiential counsel. as much as i’ve joked that i’m glad she’s going first on this one (which is another cerebral saga altogether), i felt like i was failing on my Big Sister duties.
this new dynamic with my brother and sister may be unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable for me, but i’m growing to appreciate it more all the time.
- all growed up
i’m so proud of you, bry and kel! and so grateful for you. i am a very lucky Big Sister.
five
reflecting on the past five years of marriage to my love has left me feeling grateful, amazed, content, supported, happy, secure, and loved. what more could a girl ask for?
especially when four of those five years have been spent in the trenches and aftermath of a war that cost us so dearly. certainly not what these newlyweds were expecting following a carefree, playful, fairy tale road leading up to marriage.
but i truly believe we are stronger for it. and i’m only inspired to be a better wife after seeing the way lee has served me so selflessly through it all.
happy anniversary, babe. looking forward to the next fifty-five!
a year
dread is often—i would even venture to say usually—much worse than the actual cringe-worthy event. i should know that by now. but it doesn’t stop me from letting apprehension build with the approach of something i would rather avoid, deny, ignore.
it doesn’t seem possible that it could’ve been a year since mom left us to join her Lord in Heaven. in fact, it seems downright wrong.
i don’t know what was most offensive about this unwelcome milestone – the fact that time has had the audacity to keep marching on, or that i now have a marker to make me feel woefully lagging on where i’m “supposed to be” emotionally by this point. the pain is still fresh, the shock still wearing off, yet my excuse can no longer be an acceptable “my mom died last year.”
although unintentional, i’d established a self-imposed statute of limitations on my grief. in my mind, once we were on the other side of the year mark, the expectations on my feelings, actions, and reactions would be different…even though i honestly don’t feel much different. while i’m certain not one of my family or friends would ever place a time constraint on my healing process, i feared that people wouldn’t understand. as if the general consensus after a certain period of time is “the sorry window is closed on that.”
but when i woke this morning (the day after The Day), i felt considerably lighter. as i read God’s word, i felt Him reminding me that He has been, is, and will be my strength, comfort, and joy amidst the sorrow. i realized that while the longing for my mother is still just as strong as the first day without her, she would be proud of the way her family has spent this last year honoring her memory, glorifying The Healer, rejoicing in new beginnings, enjoying fun times, and leaning on each other.
missing my mom desperately is not a sign of weakness, because healing is not a matter of moving on from someone who will eternally be an intimate part of my life. it’s about moving forward, on purpose, fearlessly. it’s amazing how surviving one of your worst fears, and and experiencing God’s provision though it, renders all other threats innocuous.
momma knows best
if i “grow up” to be just like my mom, then i will have achieved my only important and worthy life goal (because that encompasses all my spiritual, family, and character goals). i’m aiming for just a fraction of her faith, compassion, ambition, creativity, optimism, energy, and positive influence. those that knew her understand i’m not exaggerating.
my success in reflecting her in the big areas is yet to be seen. but i do know this: i AM my mother in all the little ways. this manifests itself in my life no less than a hundred times a day. from how i fold shirts to the way i make oatmeal to my explore-all-options approach to decision-making, i learned it all from my mom. i’m reminded of her all day long as i recognize her shadow across most of my habits, mannerisms, and methods.
sometimes you don’t realize the extent of someone’s signature on your life until his or her absence highlights it. this was evident to me during a recent cleaning spree, and i shared this with my family:
“so i’m cleaning out my closet (again) and half my clothes are there because of mom… girls’ shopping trips, gifts for no occasion, thumbs up replies to photo texts… the woman had style, and i could hardly make a purchase without her approval.
but it’s hard to give up a worn-out shirt when it reminds me of us giggling in the dressing room while i played runway model and she hung up discarded blouses. and then there are the pieces i can’t bear to part with for no other reason than the fact that mom felt so strongly that i needed a certain staple in my wardrobe. i’m staring at a pretty linen skirt that i have never worn, knowing i should pass it along to someone who will put it to good use, but i can hear her telling me how every girl should have one in her closet. after all, momma always knew best.
seriously, she knew what she was talking about; disregard her advice at your own peril.
reminiscing made the process a little more tedious, but in the end i was grinning at my thrift pile, thinking of the zillions of golden nuggets she passed along – beyond fashion advice – that helped me be prepared, avoid messes, make the most of stuff, and enJOY life.”
the linen skirt might still have to go.
