Category Archives: faith
my personal relationship with Him
days of grace
there are no good days or bad days anymore - only days of grace. sometimes His grace allows me to enjoy the day, and sometimes it allows me to endure it.
today marks two months without her. but i’m no more reminded of her absence today than i was able to forget it yesterday.
each day is riddled with emotional landmines, concealed behind each moment of my daily life that she would have touched. but i recklessly plunge headlong into the minefield anyway, insulated by a thick padding of His compassion and grace.
on purpose
“my prayer has been that He would use this somehow for His glory and that it would not be wasted. there’s no reason not to just go along for the ride that God has planned, knowing and trusting in Him that there’s so much to be gained and learned…and be looking for that.” ~ my mom to her church family on november 29, 2009
“i fear not being able to determine how the last 40 years of patti and i growing together as one have prepared me to step in to that tomorrow without her. i want to carry that legacy forward…for us all to use that experience to launch into the next step that God has planned for us.” ~ my dad during my mom’s memorial service, august 10, 2010
i’ve learned many, MANY invaluable lessons from my parents over the years, and have never been disappointed when i follow their lead, so i’ve resolved to imitate my role models once again. i pray that as i climb slowly and steadily toward a place of healing, that i will also be über-aware of His purposes and His glory in all of this.
and i think a big part of that is my personal growth. since i’ve not been sucked into a black hole that i was sure lay on the other side of losing her, then i should probably apply my joy and gratitude for that to something constructive, something beyond myself.
the trouble is, i still find myself battling….well, let’s be honest, often losing the battle….with viewing life’s events as insignificant and pointless. i can cheerfully engage in fun or worthwhile activities, and genuinely enjoy friends and family, but on some level everything i do feels strangely like biding my time until God makes all things right again in an eternal way.
and the Big Life Goals that i use to anticipate and work toward? i want to erase them from the long-term calendar. i’m like a little kid who realized my playmate wants to change the rules. i put on an immature pout and stomp off, taking my toys with me. this persistent feeling makes me not very effective at carrying on any sort of legacy.
but i know plenty of people whose spirits are stronger and who have a greater impact on their world because of the hardships they’ve endured, and i certainly don’t want to be the one to miss the point because i’m wallowing in my own misery.
so i’ve determined to be intentional about this, and record tangible ways that i will change, improve, learn, or extend myself as a result of the painful path we’ve been walking. i’ll share them here, as a sort of accountability and motivation to follow through.
i’m not saying that every resolution i make moving forward will have a God-inspired purpose, but i believe He will bless my intentions, and hopefully reveal more to me as I go.
two weddings and a funeral
it’s been one month. somehow i have survived 31 days without the company, conversation, advice, touch, and laugh of my mother.
in the space of one shallow breath, life goes. and then – remarkably – life goes on.
and the expected impending hollowness, the unbearable devastation that is the only fathomable aftermath to such a loss…doesn’t come.
yes, the days are painful – at times to a paralyzing, breathtaking degree – but life is not empty. celebration exists alongside the mourning. though it seemed impossible when anticipating going on without her, i’ve found that a heart can be full of joy and sorrow at the same time.
in the last five weeks, my family has gathered for a wedding, a memorial service, another wedding (same bride & groom), and two birthdays. the sweetness and significance of that first impromptu marriage ceremony will forever be a cherished family memory, but mom’s absence at the subsequent occasions didn’t rob them of happiness or laughter, either.
what seemed a certain fate in the darkest hour was mercifully proven false under the festive lights.
i’m grateful that i’ve never experienced heartache like this before (i’ve been fortunate to make it 30 years without a blow of this magnitude), and i grieve for the countless people who have, do, and will experience the agony of loss (my heart is heavy with the realization that this is what people are enduring every day).
but i praise God, the Healer, the Comforter, the Provider, whose grace enables me to live, to thrive, through each bittersweet turn. i KNOW that i could not do this without Him.
The young women will dance for joy, and the men—old and young—will join in the celebration. I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing. ~ Jeremiah 31:13 NLT
*photo by haleigh russell
this season
this season is precious. nothing holds more value than the time spent growing and celebrating the most important relationships – Christ and family topping the list. unexpected and spontaneous opportunities are especially special when time with a loved one is threatened.
this season is chaotic. native okies are often comfortable in the face of twister season. there’s a sort of reassuring acceptance in knowing that being aware, prepared, and smart ensures that you’ll make it out okay, even if all your worldly possessions are destroyed. but as i watch debris from my surroundings swirling in every direction, i think the calm i feel is less about familiarity and more because i’m located precisely in the eye of the storm.
this season is memorable. heightened awareness sharpens the senses. mundane memories do not exist when every activity is captured in mental hi-def and stored meticulously for frequent reference.
this season is full. there’s busy, and then there’s a bulging schedule so stuffed that it could bust a seam at any moment. every tunnel has a light beckoning at the other end, but this one must be built on a curve or something, ‘cuz it’s not in sight yet.
this season is fragile. the balance is stable, yet delicate. one good shake could could cause everything to topple and shatter. threatened health, untended relationships, deferred business, and carefully controlled emotions all become more vulnerable to breakage the longer their foundation is strained.
this season is hopeful. hope that is bright and optimistic, like anticipating your number to be drawn from the hopper. not the hope that is filled with anxious dread, like crossing your fingers before stepping onto the rickety bridge. hope that is born from faith.
now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. hebrews 11:1
mom
she has a strength that is Divine and awe-inspiring.
she spreads overflowing, infectious joy.
her faith is genuine & unwavering.
her wisdom is sought out by many.
she is always serving others. always.
her love & kindness touches everyone around her.
she reaches out to encourage anyone she can.
she never utters a word of complaint or self-pity.
she values what matters, and disregards what doesn’t.
her spirit is resilient and bright.
she is my mom, and i am overwhelmingly grateful and proud to call her mine.
Happy Mother’s Day!
“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!” Proverbs 31:29 (NLT)
closet beauty queens
being away from my garden gives my poor plants plenty of disadvantages as they courageously strive to thrive despite my neglect. this typically means we both have to work harder for a productive season. but sometimes God provides a beautiful surprise that would not have been enjoyed had the doting gardener been present to prune and harvest.
this morning when i checked on my patch of produce after another extended absence, i was greeted with these delightful buds on my herbs, which would normally never have the chance to bloom. although the plants’ flavor is compromised now that they’ve gone to seed, there’s something to be said for hidden potential, huh?
flowers from sage, chives, and thyme
these delicate blooms may be a little less functional in my kitchen than the herbs that sprouted them, but i agree that God may value beauty over utility at times. and i’m positive He knows those days when we need that extra burst of beauty.
“the Lord God made all sorts of trees grow up from the ground—trees that were beautiful and that produced delicious fruit…” genesis 2:9
