Category Archives: faith
my personal relationship with Him
a year
dread is often—i would even venture to say usually—much worse than the actual cringe-worthy event. i should know that by now. but it doesn’t stop me from letting apprehension build with the approach of something i would rather avoid, deny, ignore.
it doesn’t seem possible that it could’ve been a year since mom left us to join her Lord in Heaven. in fact, it seems downright wrong.
i don’t know what was most offensive about this unwelcome milestone – the fact that time has had the audacity to keep marching on, or that i now have a marker to make me feel woefully lagging on where i’m “supposed to be” emotionally by this point. the pain is still fresh, the shock still wearing off, yet my excuse can no longer be an acceptable “my mom died last year.”
although unintentional, i’d established a self-imposed statute of limitations on my grief. in my mind, once we were on the other side of the year mark, the expectations on my feelings, actions, and reactions would be different…even though i honestly don’t feel much different. while i’m certain not one of my family or friends would ever place a time constraint on my healing process, i feared that people wouldn’t understand. as if the general consensus after a certain period of time is “the sorry window is closed on that.”
but when i woke this morning (the day after The Day), i felt considerably lighter. as i read God’s word, i felt Him reminding me that He has been, is, and will be my strength, comfort, and joy amidst the sorrow. i realized that while the longing for my mother is still just as strong as the first day without her, she would be proud of the way her family has spent this last year honoring her memory, glorifying The Healer, rejoicing in new beginnings, enjoying fun times, and leaning on each other.
missing my mom desperately is not a sign of weakness, because healing is not a matter of moving on from someone who will eternally be an intimate part of my life. it’s about moving forward, on purpose, fearlessly. it’s amazing how surviving one of your worst fears, and and experiencing God’s provision though it, renders all other threats innocuous.
flawed reasoning?
anyone living a semi-observant life can see that grief is ubiquitous. whether from loss of a loved one, a marriage, a job, a home, or physical ability, sadness and suffering are just a part of living on this earth. every person you know will be touched by hardship or heartache at some point in their life.
those who follow Christ are graced with a more eternal perspective through these sorrows, and often are fortunate enough to be able to look back and see in retrospect how God used the circumstances for good.
many of these people would say The Good that came from The Bad is why the tragedy occurred. they draw comfort, strength, and meaning from the blessed opportunities that arise out of sour situations…and that’s fine. maybe they’re right.
but i could never reconcile that concept, because it seemed like a never-ending downward spiral to me. could it really be true that the reason i had to endure this trial was so that i could minister to others in a similar situations down the line? is it possible that those people experienced their painful loss so that they in turn could help someone else through a difficult time? it all seems a little unnecessary. i believe Christ is honored when we “pay it forward,” but wouldn’t it be much better to stop the flow at the top and save everyone the pain?
at least, that’s what someone in pain thinks. when the clay of your character is being molded into something more beautiful by The Potter, you’re always going to feel like you were much better off before all the squeezing and squishing.
now it’s certainly not for me to determine every detail of the Divine Intent of God, but i believe we were put on this earth to live in community, and i have a feeling that in a perfect, painless, predictable world, humans would have little need to lean on and support each other.
honestly, i need to do a little more digging on this one before i take a firm theological stance, but my belief is that God does not purpose difficult things to happen just so He can bring beauty from the mourning. it’s not so much “this happened SO THAT God could…” and more “BECAUSE OF this misfortune, God will use it…
and i feel like my response to hard times should be in accordance. i don’t want to have a martyr’s attitude, saying, “this happened to me because God wants to use it…” i’d rather acknowledge that trouble characterizes this fallen world, and say, “because adversity has touched my life, i will let God use it for His glory.
do you think that is an accurate depiction of God’s work on the earth? anyone have some solid scripture to back up my limited studies on this line of reasoning?
what can i say?
it all started a few months ago when i executed a massive purge of stuff in the house and posted a flurry of ads on craigslist. she responded to one with an friendly note and included the link to her blog in her email signature. the URL compelled me to click-through, and i discovered we have a lot in common. i replied to her email to see if she lived nearby and included my blog address in reciprocation.
i hoped to find a friend to swap recipes and gardening tips with, but God’s plans were farther-reaching. her next email took my breath away.
Can I just tell you that I feel like I was led to you for a reason? A very close friend of mine lost her mom this afternoon to cancer. She’s a strong Christ follower. I don’t know what to say to her. I’ve been praying all evening that God would give me words to say that would comfort her. Is there such a thing? Thank you for replying and for your blog…
making a friend on craigslist was already unexpected, but this completely blindsided me. through my tears i hammered out my genuine first reaction, and sent it with a prayer. i’ve since had the opportunity to offer the same advice in two other situations, and thought maybe i should share it here in case it can be helpful to anyone else.
this was my response to her message.
i began praying for your friend and her family immediately after reading your email. my mother battled the disease for over three years, and while those years were trying, nothing can prepare you for the loss of someone you love so dearly. my family has been leaning heavily on each other, friends, and of course our faith in God’s goodness during the difficult months since her death, but something like this can certainly shake everything you thought was solid.
i don’t know if there are words that can truly bring comfort, but i do know even the insufficient words mean a lot. you may think that “i’m praying for you” and “you can call me anytime” and “just let me know if you need anything” sound lame and hollow compared to how much you want to comfort your friend, but when you’re on the other side, knowing you have the support and prayer of those who love you truly gives strength.
shy away from saying things like “she’s with Jesus now and not suffering anymore,” because as nice as that sounds, right now all your friend can feel is her own hurt, despite knowing her mother is singing in Glory (i assume her mother was a Believer as well). also, try to avoid “it will get better,” because true or not, at first all your friend can comprehend is what she’s feeling in the moment, and it’s excruciating. these sentiments will become more comforting as time passes.
what you can tell her is this: “i know it doesn’t seem to make sense, and it feels unfair and wrong. but remember that it doesn’t change God’s goodness. you can still praise Him for His blessings in your life, even while you feel frustrated and distant from a God who seems different to you now. don’t try to find an answer for all your questions right away. spend time with family and close friends, cry as much as you need to, embrace snippits of laughter and joy, and open your heart to God as much as you can. these things will eventually help you learn to live with purpose and peace in this new reality without your mom.”
another thing you can do is continue to be attentive to your friend’s emotions long after you think the rawness of the pain has worn off. in many ways, the loss won’t be real to her for several months or longer. reality sets in when the shock wears off, and by that time many supportive friends may have stopped thinking about the daily trials of grief. keep offering a listening ear even when it seems healing is well under way. my friends’ continued check-ins have been so helpful to me.
i hope this wasn’t more advice than you were bargaining for. i felt i needed to give you a real and honest answer, but it’s a hard question. i am touched to think that God may have caused our paths to cross so that i could help you minister to your friend through my experience. just the thought of God using these circumstances blesses and encourages me. also, if you think your friend would find it helpful to talk to someone who can relate, you can share my number with her.
i’m not saying that this is the best way to respond to anyone who is grieving; these are just my honest feelings toward the words that hugged my heart, made me cringe, or helped lift me out of the fog. (a note: please know that every gesture is received with gratitude, and i’m always touched when someone offers encouragement, whether it is what i want to hear or not. please do not be afraid to reach out to a hurting friend for fear of “saying the wrong thing.”)
i wish that this advice had no use, but we know that loss will always be prevalent and universal – until He restores all things. 
in the meantime, we get the privilege of watching God work through craigslist.
days of grace
there are no good days or bad days anymore - only days of grace. sometimes His grace allows me to enjoy the day, and sometimes it allows me to endure it.
today marks two months without her. but i’m no more reminded of her absence today than i was able to forget it yesterday.
each day is riddled with emotional landmines, concealed behind each moment of my daily life that she would have touched. but i recklessly plunge headlong into the minefield anyway, insulated by a thick padding of His compassion and grace.
on purpose
“my prayer has been that He would use this somehow for His glory and that it would not be wasted. there’s no reason not to just go along for the ride that God has planned, knowing and trusting in Him that there’s so much to be gained and learned…and be looking for that.” ~ my mom to her church family on november 29, 2009
“i fear not being able to determine how the last 40 years of patti and i growing together as one have prepared me to step in to that tomorrow without her. i want to carry that legacy forward…for us all to use that experience to launch into the next step that God has planned for us.” ~ my dad during my mom’s memorial service, august 10, 2010
i’ve learned many, MANY invaluable lessons from my parents over the years, and have never been disappointed when i follow their lead, so i’ve resolved to imitate my role models once again. i pray that as i climb slowly and steadily toward a place of healing, that i will also be über-aware of His purposes and His glory in all of this.
and i think a big part of that is my personal growth. since i’ve not been sucked into a black hole that i was sure lay on the other side of losing her, then i should probably apply my joy and gratitude for that to something constructive, something beyond myself.
the trouble is, i still find myself battling….well, let’s be honest, often losing the battle….with viewing life’s events as insignificant and pointless. i can cheerfully engage in fun or worthwhile activities, and genuinely enjoy friends and family, but on some level everything i do feels strangely like biding my time until God makes all things right again in an eternal way.
and the Big Life Goals that i use to anticipate and work toward? i want to erase them from the long-term calendar. i’m like a little kid who realized my playmate wants to change the rules. i put on an immature pout and stomp off, taking my toys with me. this persistent feeling makes me not very effective at carrying on any sort of legacy.
but i know plenty of people whose spirits are stronger and who have a greater impact on their world because of the hardships they’ve endured, and i certainly don’t want to be the one to miss the point because i’m wallowing in my own misery.
so i’ve determined to be intentional about this, and record tangible ways that i will change, improve, learn, or extend myself as a result of the painful path we’ve been walking. i’ll share them here, as a sort of accountability and motivation to follow through.
i’m not saying that every resolution i make moving forward will have a God-inspired purpose, but i believe He will bless my intentions, and hopefully reveal more to me as I go.
