fair warning: if you arrived here fresh from the stream of happy mommy-lauding status updates on social media, then this post may give you slight whiplash. don’t worry, i won’t get all debbie downer on you. but, as always, this is one of my outlets to vent, to spill, to purge my thoughts and emotions. to be honest, and acknowledge my messy and ugly parts so i can accept them with grace.
and so i find myself conflicted when faced with the day we all appreciate our mothers in unison. now that i have a child of my own, i can begin to relate to my mom in the biggest role of her life. this is the first mother’s day that i’ve felt i could properly honor her with a more appropriate level of awe and understanding. today, especially, i want nothing more than to share in the overwhelming phenomenon of being someone’s mom with her. instead, i’m left with this terrible itch i can’t scratch.
because when this date on the calendar approaches, i’m still conditioned to think upward, toward my own mother, rather than downward to the one that i am mother to. i’m sure in another year or two i will more readily identify with my new role and my instinct will shift to think of myself when i hear “mom,” but this year, i’m caught in the middle.
i fight the disappointment of a sappy card unwritten. i battle the regret over a grandmother’s embrace forfeited. i struggle with the guilt that my selfishness robbed my mom of the chance to extend her excellence as a mother to another generation. (i fully understand the ridiculousness of that line of thought, but that doesn’t make it disappear.)
oh, how i wish the the cascade of mothering–her to me, me to him, her to him–was still flowing at that source! this is true every day, but more difficult to ignore on mother’s day. and so i redirect my attention toward the other mothers in my life that deserve to be revered, and toward the little one who made me a mother myself.
writing my heartache in the midst of this day of celebration helps expel the traces of bitterness so there is room for the full joy of being someone’s mom. because what a joyful and uplifting thing it is!