“my prayer has been that He would use this somehow for His glory and that it would not be wasted. there’s no reason not to just go along for the ride that God has planned, knowing and trusting in Him that there’s so much to be gained and learned…and be looking for that.” ~ my mom to her church family on november 29, 2009
“i fear not being able to determine how the last 40 years of patti and i growing together as one have prepared me to step in to that tomorrow without her. i want to carry that legacy forward…for us all to use that experience to launch into the next step that God has planned for us.” ~ my dad during my mom’s memorial service, august 10, 2010
i’ve learned many, MANY invaluable lessons from my parents over the years, and have never been disappointed when i follow their lead, so i’ve resolved to imitate my role models once again. i pray that as i climb slowly and steadily toward a place of healing, that i will also be über-aware of His purposes and His glory in all of this.
and i think a big part of that is my personal growth. since i’ve not been sucked into a black hole that i was sure lay on the other side of losing her, then i should probably apply my joy and gratitude for that to something constructive, something beyond myself.
the trouble is, i still find myself battling….well, let’s be honest, often losing the battle….with viewing life’s events as insignificant and pointless. i can cheerfully engage in fun or worthwhile activities, and genuinely enjoy friends and family, but on some level everything i do feels strangely like biding my time until God makes all things right again in an eternal way.
and the Big Life Goals that i use to anticipate and work toward? i want to erase them from the long-term calendar. i’m like a little kid who realized my playmate wants to change the rules. i put on an immature pout and stomp off, taking my toys with me. this persistent feeling makes me not very effective at carrying on any sort of legacy.
but i know plenty of people whose spirits are stronger and who have a greater impact on their world because of the hardships they’ve endured, and i certainly don’t want to be the one to miss the point because i’m wallowing in my own misery.
so i’ve determined to be intentional about this, and record tangible ways that i will change, improve, learn, or extend myself as a result of the painful path we’ve been walking. i’ll share them here, as a sort of accountability and motivation to follow through.
i’m not saying that every resolution i make moving forward will have a God-inspired purpose, but i believe He will bless my intentions, and hopefully reveal more to me as I go.